Rape Culture

I don't know how to start this, so I'll just get right to it.

I was raped when I was 15.

I knew immediately it was wrong and I called the police. An officer (just one) showed up to take my statement. After reading over my account of what happened, he asked me what I thought was going to happen when the man (a man, a 31 year old man who I worked with) knocked on my window. He asked me what I thought was going to happen when I made the decision to go outside and take a walk with the man in the middle of the night. He asked me what kind of message I thought I was giving to the man that made him believe sex with me was a probable.

The officer left my house when the only answer I had to any of his questions was tears.

I immediately talked myself out of it being rape. Told myself thing like:

"it's my fault I let it go so far in the first place",
"I didn't say no loud enough",
"I did make the decision to go with him. I have to take responsibility for that",
"I kissed him. I wanted to kiss him. I must have wanted more",
"it wasn't violent, so maybe it wasn't really even rape".

On and on I went until I manipulated myself into believing that 1. it wasn't rape, and 2. no matter, it was my fault anyway. I didn't tell anyone else about it for a long time. Not until after I was married.

That sucks. Everything about it sucks. I was violated twice that night. And I wish I could say "well, that was a long time ago ... our society has changed a lot since then".  But I can't. Sure, it was about 18 years ago, but not a whole helluva lot has changed. Our culture still puts more pressure on a person to not GET raped, then it does to NOT RAPE! Our society still likes to point fingers, humiliate and blame the victim (she shouldn't have been drinking, she shouldn't be wearing that, she shouldn't have gone off with him, etc etc etc). It's sick. And twisted. And fucked up!

I have obviously been following the Steubenville rape trial, and it is clearly triggering some shit in me.
A lot of feelings. Anger and disgust. Compassion and love. Frustration and rage. The whole thing is heart wrenching. And I feel it for all involved.

My compassion and empathy for all of the people involved in this is strong and unwavering.

But that compassion and empathy does NOT mean that I think both of the rapists, and every single witness that did nothing, should have lesser consequences. It does not mean that I am excusing their actions, and decreasing their blame. They made a choice to use a 16 year old girl for their own amusement. They dehumanized and humiliated her. They used her as a prop. They raped her. And they laughed about it. They cheered about it. They bragged about it. People who were witness to it took video of it. Photos. Sent them to social media sites. Laughed and encouraged. Each of them made a choice. And they are responsible for the consequences of those choices.

It's horrifying. The rape. The onlookers who encouraged it. The witnesses who did nothing to stop it. And while the courts determine their consequences (consequences that reach the fullest capacity as allowed by law, I would hope) ... we have to ask ourselves why? Why were so many of these kids ok with this? Why did no one do anything to stop it? Where are we failing our children? What responsibility do we, as a society, as a culture, have in this? I think everything. I think this horrific incident lies on all of us.

And I know that opinion is pissing a lot of you off. I'm ok with that. I'm ok pissing people off (shocker, right?) for the shit I believe in.

When an entire group of kids didn't feel that what was happening to this 16 year old girl was considered rape ... we've got more work to do. Especially considering the fact that this isn't an isolated case. This exact scenario is playing out in schools all across the country. Dolling out consequences to the specific individuals involved in this case is extremely important! Make no mistake. But feeling compassion, empathy, understanding to get us to ask ourselves the tough questions is just as important. Taking responsibility and fighting for the changes that will propel our culture forward is paramount.

Don't rape!
A simple concept.
A concept that too many are missing right now.
Ask yourself why.
And then do something about it!

dōTERRA !

If you follow my instagram and/or facebook feed you already know that I am crazy ass excited about joining the dōTERRA team. (and if you don't follow my instagram ... why the hell not?!)

One more time,
for redundancy's sake,
I'm flipping excited as all get out about joining the dōTERRA team!

I've used essential oils in one way or another for years. We've always used store bought oils, because, well, they're convenient, some are organic, and I just didn't know other options existed. We've had great success with some things, and have been really disappointed in others, which would often discourage me. Because of this, my oil love would comes in waves. When a new concern would arise, I'd look into healing with oils first, always. I've always been so drawn to them. But if the oils I could find in my local HFS didn't seem to be creating the healing I was hoping for, I'd shelf the oil, and look into other natural healing methods. Wash, rinse, repeat. Over and over again. Never thinking, hey ... maybe the brand of oil I'm using is affecting the results (or lack there of).

Enter a massive migraine one night while in the Keys. I was at my wits end! I get these migraines often enough that I knew nothing I've ever tried works. Which means nothing we had in the house was going to work! I was in pain. And pissed. And I just wanted some western medicinal pill to make it all go away! Alas, we don't have any prescription drugs. We don't even have any over the counter drugs in the house. Nick asked me if I wanted him to ask friends that were in the campground with us (Tara Wagner) if they had anything for headaches, and I'm telling you ... if looks could kill; he'd have imploded right there on the spot! I whisper screamed at him (because, you know, loud noises intensify the migraine pain) that I didn't want any stupid fucking oil; I wanted something that was going to WORK: and if he wasn't interested in being helpful, then he should just GFH (ahem, go fuck himself)!!! He blinked a few times, gave me a hug, said he'd take care of it, and backed away slowly. lol.

When he returned with oils I was ready to cut a bitch.
And cut a bitch HARD!

He was on his way to the store for some other items, so he told me he was going to pick up some kind of over the counter pain reliever (yea, "some kind of" ... thats how long it's been since we've used conventional medicine; we don't even know whats out there anymore, lol), so in the meantime I could try the oils, or I could just lie in the dark and wait for him to come back.

I thought about being stubborn and difficult, and just lying there pitying myself.
And then I thought a little harder about it.
Heh!

Annnnd then I decided to give them a try. Why not. I had nothing else to do. And some fancy little toxic pills were coming my way soon. AND they weren't even my oils to "waste". There was really nothing to lose.

5 minutes later I could feel my the pain lessening. Whaaa?!??

I kept concentrating really hard, trying to focus on the pain (who does that? lol), sure that it was still just as strong ... I just had to "remember" the pain. Bring it back up, ya know. Yea, no, the edge was definitely gone. Gone! In 5 fucking minutes!

I could still feel a distant pain the remainder of the night, but holy bejeezus ... it was incredible. And then I woke the next morning to nothing. Not a single iota of lingering pain (these migraines usually linger for a day or two). That.Is.Remarkable. I sat in bed again working to concentrate on some non existent pain. Trying to find it. So sure it HAD to be there. It wasn't. It was completely gone!

Sold!
Sold, Sold, Sold, SOLD!
Sold!

I joined the team a week or so later with the intention of only being a personal user. I had no desire to get into the "business". And then my kit showed up, and I started playing around with some of the other oils. The feel, the smell, the affects of every single one of these dōTERRA oils is so superior to the same oils of other brands, and the cost is comparable (sometimes even less) then the oils so many of you are already buying. I believe so, so, so deeply in this product, and I am proud to promote them to every single one of you!

You can access my personal store here!
Browse around and get a feel for the products.
And then either comment below or send me an email for questions, advice, tips, tricks, samples ...
Yes, I said samples!
Lets Chat!

In the meantime, I know this is really short notice, but a good friend and team member of mine is putting together a Question and Answer conference call TONIGHT at 8pm Eastern. We would love for you to join us. Learn about these oils. Ask questions about specific issues. Listen in for inspiration. One lucky caller will win a Free dōTERRA Intro Kit! You don't want to miss THAT!

Access the info for that call  here

The Big Chill 13

...
and it only took us 4 hours to come up with that instagram tag...
Lucky for us thecraycrayclan was taken!
And even more lucky; we were talked out of thefreesomethreesome!
lol

We met in person only 5 short months ago, but the connection was instantaneous. These families are amazing. The men are goofy, the kids are spunky, and the women... they have a solid place in my soul. We're different in a thousand and one areas, but we're very much kindreds.

Hear that Tara and Heather? ... we're Kindreds!
Kindreds, I tell ya!

Anyway, we all met in the flesh at Wide Sky Days.

It was there that we decided to make a date for the FL Keys this January to kick off the New Year.

After knowing each other only 4 days.

How often is it that you met someone new, say something generic like "we should totally get together for such and such", and "such and such" just never comes to fruition? This plan we hatched at Wide Sky Days ... I wasn't just talking pipe dreams. I was absolutely stone cold serious about making it happen; and holy hell ... the families that were "hatching with us" were stone cold serious, too! Wa (of wapama) already had reservations there for the month, so we knew exactly where and when we were going. And the amazing connection we all had fueled our motivation to get us there. Come hell our high water... we were getting to our tribe!

The two full time traveling families (Wa and Pa) kicked it up in the Keys for the entire month of January... one of the perks of living wherever we're parked, haaa. The family that relies on a sticks and brick job (Ma) had only a week there (no matter how much pleading we laid on them to stay longer), but it was a great week!

It was just so comfortable and relaxed. No faking, just realness. We each had our shit surface at least once or twice, at our respective times (thank the universe we weren't all riding the grouch wave at the same time, lol), this tribe is just so ... comfortable. I don't know another word to use. It's so easy to be exactly who we are around each other.

When you find people like that ... soak it in.
And nourish that shit!

We talked, we swam, we watched sunsets, we enjoyed the floating crabs wafting around, we snorkeled, we toured, we art journaled, we looked for crocs, we ate, we drank, we hugged, we laughed, we laughed, we laughed. We encountered Manatee.

Oh wait, that last one was just me!
;-) lol

We nourished the relationships that were born 5 months ago. 

And I cannot wait to see these families again! In April.

Or maybe sooner...
remember guys, my house has wheels, watch your driveways!

In the meantime ... lets relive the magic with a slide show of our time together!

photo credits: nick paul, tara wagner, justin wagner, heather mattern, caleb matter, and me
music: imagine dragons, on top of the world. michael franti, anytime you need me

Raise Your Glass

The Big Chill (more of that later *wink*) took on the town last night, 

but actually the town took me on.
Or a single event in the town; that is.

We went out to bar hop, but having only one bar in all of Key Largo (what?!) we big chilled at the Caribbean Club. We danced, we drank, we laughed, we shared stories, we climbed trees, we peed in the ocean.

we witnessed a tragedy...

We noticed emergency lights near the road, so we went to check. My eyes immediately went to a body on the ground. In the middle of the street. Motionless. Paramedics grabbing something from the back of their vehicle. A sheet. In slow motion they unfolded the sheet, flipped the middle into the air, and lowered it down on the body.

The man was crossing the road when he was struck by a car. The car wasn't speeding. The driver wasn't drinking. He was just getting off of work, and on his way home. The man crossing the road, with a cane, may not have been paying attention. Perhaps he thought he had more time then he did to cross. Maybe he chose to be there. We'll never know. Dead. Just like that.

And at the exact moment the sheet touched his body, the biggest, brightest shooting star I have ever seen shot across the sky. At.The.Exact.Moment.

Chills.
And then tears.
A lot of tears.

I stood there, in the parking lot, crying over a man I had never met. A man whose life was taken so suddenly. Did he have a family? I cried for the emergency personal who would have inform that family of the tragedy. What a heartbreaking job. I cried for the man who was driving the car. I can't imagine the feelings he will go through for the remainder of his life. Does he have a family? I cried for my Tony. Who left me, left all of us, far far too soon. I felt my body shaking. I collapsed into Nicks arms, feeling such an overwhelming sense of grief. Tears burning my cheeks.

That shooting star.
So amazingly beautiful.
So serene.
So very poetic.

We went back into the bar, raised a glass, and hugged.

Life is short, yo.
So, so, so damn short.
Live it up, Raise your glass, and Love with your entire fucking hearts ...
every . single . second

We Made it to Florida... I think!

all of us, smooshed into the tow truck, looking inexplicably happy. 

A little over a week on the road... and holy crap!

We made it to Florida.
Just Barely!

We got here so late that the park was already closed, so we're waiting out the night in their parking lot. We're now pros at boondocking in parking lots. Without a generator even. Boom.

We made it to Milwaukee last Saturday evening without much more trouble. We noticed on Friday that our truck wasn't working to recharge the rig battery while connected, so something was up there ... but nothing that prevented us from trucking on. Even if we COULD see our breath when inside of our home that night (with no battery power our heater wasn't kicking on), in Minnesota, when outside temperatures reached single digits. Seriously fucking COLD!

Cold!

Really cold!

But, we survived. And the nip in the air served to get our butts in gear quickly the next morning so we could get back in the warm truck!

We were all very excited to rummage through our storage unit for long lost *buried* treasures. And I do mean buried! My husband was in charge of moving our things into storage, and holy hell, did he make a mess of it! I was completely overwhelmed the second we flung that door open. It took a lot longer then we anticipated, between anxiety driven temper tantrums, and tired fits of rage, and hunger induced grouchiness, but we finally got everything out of there that we wanted... I think. We just sort of threw everything into the RV; with plans to slowly organize in the three weeks we'll be in Orlando. Screw Disney, we've got unpacking to do! :-/  And also, screw Disney anyway!

We had some really good, even if short, visits with family and a dear friend.
My Dad and Nick fixed the battery charging issue.
And we were back on the road a couple of days later.

We made it almost to Georgia before we stopped for the night on Wednesday. We found out pretty quickly that rest stops are not plentiful along I75... and it's REALLY not easy to find one that has space available after the sun goes down. Shit! Serious Truckerville, Batman! We woke the next morning a little less ready to roar then previous days. We were all exhausted and super appreciative of the extra hours of sleep. When we finally got rolling we were set to make it to Orlando late that night, but we only made it a couple hundred of miles before our trucks engine shut off on us. On the interstate. At night.

Sweet.

A quick call to the insurance company let us know that no, we infact did not have road side assistance. Whoops. We bought a service contract with our RV, and were so pleased to find out that it covers towing (to include tow vehicle). Not so pleased to find out that they only cover $100 dollars, total. We were just looking to be towed 2.3 miles up the road, to a Walmart parking lot, so Nick could figure out what was wrong ... and the tow company was going to charge us over $300 for it. For 2.3 miles. Whaaaaa??!!? AND it was going to take them about 2 hours to get to us...  on the interstate... at night.

Atleast the wait gave Nick time to look the truck over and decide he was not going to be able to fix it himself, so when the tow guys actually got to us we were able to work out a deal to be towed to their auto shop for repair. Because they would be earning our repair business, they said they'd only charge the $100 dollars in towing covered by the service contract. So that was good.  Repairs would have to wait until the next day when they opened, though, so we all crashed. Exhausted. Hopeful for a quick cheap repair in the morning.

Haaa, not!

They had their entire garage looking at our truck, trying to figure out what the problem was. Fuel pump burnt out, for sure. But replacing it didn't fix the problem. As the list of "cheap fixes" kept getting nixed, and the possibility of an expensive repair became more and more likely ... I lost it. Super freaking lost it. Locked myself in my room and cried, cried, cried. That... did not help! A roaring headache, and still no answers later ... the garage was closed for the day, and we were sleeping in their parking lot again.

In the ghetto.
With no toilet access.
But we did have electricity ... so we were warm.
Ahhhh, warm!
And who says a lady can't pee behind a dumpster?
All night long.
Because she drank a billion gallons of water trying to rehydrate after her cry.
Hoping that would help her headache.
It did not.

The truck was towed to another garage bright and early the next morning. So we waited.
And waited.
And waited.

About 4:30 that afternoon I hear the familiar sound of an engine charging into the parking lot. Sure enough. Our truck. Moving itself ... no tow necessary. Thatta girl! Or boy? I dunno ... it's technically not my truck.

Apparently when my Dad and Nick were working to get the truck to charge the rigs battery again they spliced into the wrong wire (the RV company jacked up the wiring when they installed the bed outlet plug, and it was causing a mess of problems). All of the wiring under the truck had to be replaced, and we're no longer able to use that side plug. BUT, the freakin thing works, it didn't cost the $4000 that the garage was anticipating, and we made it down to FL.

I think we're in FL.
It's dark.
We're all a bit delirious.
We could be in Kansas for all we know.
But, whatever, we're somewhere!

Just in time to celebrate my birthday.

Tomorrow (today?)

In bed, probably ... because I'm exhausted!

Two Days In

We did it! 

We hit the road. On Wednesday. Like planned.
Boosh!

I can't say the plan was executed without a hitch, though.
2 days on the road, and we've had a bunch of excitement already.

We woke bright and early yesterday, ready to roll... right after our UPS package was delivered. Of course while waiting for that brown truck, little odds and ends kept popping up that needing tending to. Little odds and ends that added up pretty quickly to mean we didn't even have the 5th wheel hitched up before UPS came at noon. One last run to the recycle center, and we were ready to hitch and ride. Only... our landing gear busted nuts while raising it to hitch. A project that required the entire side of landing gear be taken apart and repaired. 3pm when that finally gets done. Okay, still time to make it over the mountain pass before the snow hit. All hitched up, car loaded, hugs and lots tears saying "see you later" to our grandparents, started the truck ... no lights on the trailer. Whaaa?! 

 

Fingers crossed for a simple fuse problem. No sir. Simple is not the way we roll. Checking this and that, taking apart this and that, and finally they decide to go under the truck to check the wiring. Still hitched up, we needed to back up a little so we could lift the front end of the truck a bit. Me, having never driven this thing before, gets tasked with backing up! The door was open so I would be able to see my Grampa, but I still couldn't really see him, so I stuck my head out further, while backing up (not gassing it... just lifting my foot off of the brake a bit to roll), so I would at least be able to hear him over the roar of the diesel engine. I had my head stuck so far out of the door that I almost fell out at the same time I hear a "STOOOOP". Too late. He was gesturing thinking I could see him, so his stop came AFTER I hit the house. Dented their gutter, put a few new holes in the back of our rig (we JUST finished repairing collision damage!), and our ladder is bent and crushed into the rig. The kids immediately ask "are we going to have to wait for moooooooore repair parts to come in now" (a 2 months process for the last repair, lol). Nope! We are LEAVING TODAY even if that means we're dropping pieces of our house from here to Florida. 

They finally get under the truck... Bingo! Faulty loose connection. A pretty quick fix after that. It was almost 5pm when we finally hit the road. We drove 6 hours before stopping from the night. Now, I've watched a lot of horror movies involving rest stops, thankyouverymuch, so the days leading up to this was a bit worrisome. Once we stopped though all my fears were immediately gone. Maybe because I was already half asleep? lol. We were all very excited for our first overnight at a rest stop, though the excitement only lasted about 10 minutes before we all passed out.

This morning I woke up at 6:30am ready to hit it! Lucy, the sweet stray pooch that adopted us a month ago, decided it was a good morning for puppies! I hoped we had enough time to get settled in FL before the arrival, but ok, lets do this! The first two puppies born were great. Same color as mama, and all kinds of wriggly. The third puppy was black and white. So cute! We were all so excited. Lucy was soon done cleaning him up, and went right into contractions for the next. I noticed that he wasn't wriggling around trying to find a teet. I looked in closer to see that he wasn't breathing! Years ago I watched some puppy show on animal planet, and I remembered them saying that if a puppy isn't breathing, hold it firmly in your hands, belly up, support it's head, and fling it! A swift motion from shoulders to knees. It's supposed to work to bring up any fluid in the lungs. Sooo, we flung him, and flung him, and flung him. He'd make grunting sounds after each fling, but then go back to not breathing. We called the closest vet (40 minutes away), but the Dr wasn't in yet. Started puppy CPR. Holy crap, tiny little puppy mouth to mouth will surely wake you up in the morning! We decided to continue CPR in the truck while we headed to the vet... at least we'd be closer if they thought they was something they could do. He was gasping for breath, which was better then not breathing at all. Atleast there was some sound there. 5 minutes into the trip I was getting worried that the pup was getting too cold, so I stuck him back in the box. I put him under the other three pups, so the body heat would warm him up, and also so their wriggling would consistently be pushing on and stimulating his lungs. 

 

We get to the vet clinic to check in. I look in the box... and there he was. Wriggling and climbing around. Breathing just fine. Like nothing. 

!!!

There was nothing more the vet could do, so back on the road we went with a very watchful eye on little Rocky (had a rocky start, while going over the Rockies, putting up a great fight like Rocky ... I mean, c'mon, there was no other choice in name).

About an hour later, another puppy was born.
Five!
How in the hell did 5 puppies fit inside of this tiny little dog?!
And also, holy freakin nut house up in this RV when they all start running around.
SEVEN dogs in an RV?!
TWO cats. FIVE people.
Get the straight jacket ready.
Also... who wants a puppy in about 8 weeks? 

Speaking of the Rockies. Holy fucking snow, Batman. I wanted to leave early on Wednesday to avoid it, but our late start wednesday, and then all the excitement and late start this morning equals we didn't miss it. At all. Like seriously ... NOT.AT.ALL. We were in snow all day today. Up and down mountain passes. Our truck fishtailed a couple of times. I had a few minor heart attacks. My toes froze. My freshly washed RV is covered in mud. 

 

When we were planning which day to leave I said 

"I don't want to travel with newborn puppies", and 

"I don't want to drive over mountain passes in the snow".

Pssssh!

A week ago I should have said 

"I don't want to win this epic powerball lottery".
I'd be swimming in benjamins right now.

... only two days in.

tougher then that

That fear that was holding me in one spot.
Preventing me from answering the calls of the open road.
Stalling me from living my dreams.

Yea, that fear...
I flipped it off and walked away from it.

"cause I'm as free as a bird now"

Always have been; I just needed a little reminder.

You see. My husband and I ... we've had (have) a rocky relationship. PTSD and TBI and a whoooooole lot of selfish choices on his part and protective reactions on mine make for some pretty steep mountains to climb. We're climbing, but steep sheer rocks lend themselves to a lot of slipping. Sometimes it's 2 steps forward; 1 step back. Sometimes it's 1 step forward; 20 steps back. A process. A hard, rocky, often tumultuous process. The thought of being on the open road definitely has potential to scare me to my core. And I have let it on numerous occasions. Scare me. The thought of him walking out, again. Leaving us stranded in the middle of no where. With no savings account. It's a real possibility. And it's scary.

BUT!

I refuse to let fear dictate my life.
It may have stalled me up for a moment or two,
but it won't win.

I'm made of shit way tougher then that, baby!

We're rolling out Wednesday!

Sunday's Songbird ... Ganja Babe

In honor of Washington State bringing weed to the adult masses; I find this fitting ;-)

Annnnnnnd this song has been a long time slow hooping favorite of mine. I haven't hooped much since the rains have taken over, but I stare longingly at them on a regular basis. This song goes out to them ... I'm slow hooping in my head with you, my little round gods!



Ganja Babe ~Michael Franti
heavy medicine
ya see my eyes are feeling red again
i'm bringin' light
like thomas funky edison
been in the desert for forty seven days
purple haze
the poison that I tasted never changed
turn up the woofers, so I can feel the beat
vibrate 
my belly like a bomb in harmony
summer heat
my back is sticking to me to the seat
bare feet, tank top, and shorts is all ya need
summer breeze
i'm feelin' kinda fine
i'm rollin with my shorty all the time
wind and grind lovely shake your behind
cinnamon skin be bringing sin to my mind
but whether or not the weather's hot
or the weather's cold
i'm wrapping her like a blanket with my whole soul
so that she can feel me
like coca cola I'm the woo-o-oh oh 
sweet thing, my girl lollipop 
she growing mad crops
she rollin' herbs everyday
at about 4 o' clock
tick tock
strike the hammer while the iron's hot
ooh girl 
whatcha got cooking in the pot
see mary mary quite contrary
how does your garden grow
hydroponic, ultra supersonic
or does it grow naturally slow

ganja babe 

my sweet ganja babe
i love tha way ya love me and the way ya misbehavin'
ganja babe 

my sweet ganja babe
come wake body-ody take my mind away

everybody get down, and do the boogaloo
just like the cover of I want you
yoo hooo 
look whatcha gonna do
whatcha gonna do when the rent comes due
round up the posse, and call up the crew
5 bucks at the door, and ya bring ya own booze
call ya neighbors, 'cause they can come too
be sure and bring ya records 'cause I only got a few
so baa baa black sheep have you any wool
yes sir, yes sir a nickle bagful
some for my partner, some for my crew
some for my ganja baby she needs too
cuz just like me they long to be... high

ganja babe 

my sweet ganja babe
i love tha way ya love me and the way ya misbehavin'
ganja babe 

my sweet ganja babe
come wake body-ody take my mind away

ganja babe 

my sweet ganja babe
i love tha way ya love me and the way ya misbehavin'
ganja babe 

my sweet ganja babe
come wake body-ody take my mind away

take my mind away, ahh

take my mind away, ahh

take my mind away, ahh

Slipping Away

The road is calling.
I want desperately to answer her.
To go.
Feel her, smell her, be her.
Yet, I'm hesitant.
Stuck.
Feeling too far away.
Removed.
Like maybe she's calling to someone else.
Or maybe her cries are those of sorrow.
Regret.
Missed opportunity.
Did I miss it.
Is she gone.
That can't be.
Breath still fills my lungs.
Possibility never dies.
Why then.
Why do I feel her slipping through my grasp.
Further and further away.


Perspective.
It should come in a convenient snack pack sized juice box. If we can bottle up and sell energy in 5 hour increments; surely we can whip up some perspective. Maybe wine bottle size would be better. Although, what would I have to write about if not perspective.

We're still here. In my Grandparents driveway. Teetering between feeling like we could leave "tomorrow", and feeling like we're not any closer to leaving then we were 2 months ago. Most of our RV repair parts came in, but there were several pieces missing from our order (paid for) that we're trying to sort out. We're dealing with the "flood of 2012" in the back room (the kids' room) right now. A musty mildewy smell that has turned my stomach upside down and inside out. The puking is non stop. I think soon I may puke up some lasagna that I consumed when I was 13 years old; there can't possibly be anything left in there. Their mattresses and carpet are soaked. Soaked, soaked, soaked. So that's been a whole lot of fun. And our finances are not at all where we expected them to be before we headed out. All of this has prevented us from being able to hit the road yet.

A shift in perspective tells me that "things" will always and forever pop up. The real question is why are we letting them hold us back. Fear? Probably.

It's been almost 9 months since we first moved into this RV. 9 months of mostly sitting in one spot has lead to some serious meltdowns about even wanting to stay in this rig home of ours. Without the travel, living in an RV is just not enjoyable for me anymore. I'm feeling a need to stretch a little bit. Feel more stable. Seems if we don't get on the road soon; this whole travel dream will be smoke. Smoke because I'll have murdered it. With my bare hands. Or maybe I'll use a knife. I haven't yet decided.

I think this timeless transition period is definitely getting to me.

And digging into fear is not my favorite thing.

Digging in while feeling trapped.

Trapped because of the need to dig in.

Viscous little cycle.

Fear is a bitch.

Shit or get off the pot.

I can't sit still in this thing much longer.

My Vote; My Voice; My Reasons

Why are you voting for Obama?

I get that question a lot.
A lot, a lot.
And not just from conservatives or republicans, either.
In fact... mostly NOT from them.

Most people who wing that question at me are liberals. Far left liberals. My comfort zone people, if you will. They hear me talk about this or that through out my days, and naturally assume I'll throw my vote in the "green party" direction. An honest assumption, really. My personal views and beliefs do tend to line up a bit more closely with the green party then any other, but that doesn't mean I'm going to essentially throw my vote away to make a political point. I'm a bit more practical then that.

Yes, me, practical!
Save it!

When we have such a close race, with only two practical contenders (there may be 381 options on the ballot, but one of these two guys is going to win), and the other guy is going to run this country back 50 plus years; you better believe that voting "green" is the last thing on my mind. Even if that were my only reason, to keep the other delusional douche OUT of the white house, that would be reason enough for me to swing my vote in the other direction. An elitist with a religious agenda has NO place in government. You can roll your eyes and claim immoral all you want, as many of you have, but voting "the lesser of two evils" is absolutely a rational tactic in my opinion. In my very loud, and passionate opinion.

That is not the case for me this election cycle. It just so happens that I support Obama. Not on everything. There are things that I whole heartedly disagree with (the continued use of wire taps, and lack of passion to make gun control a priority, to name a few), but we line up on a lot of things. I think he's been great in office. My overly ambitious expectations were not met, but that's not a short coming of Obama ... no one could have met them; I'm sure. Obama has done everything we elect a president to do. And he has done it with less then supportive passion from the left, and an all out block on the right.  I think if people stood back and really took a look at the facts, instead of just rattling off Fox News' agenda, they'd see he's done quite a lot of good for this country in his 4 years. They'd see his plan (an actual plan, not some "see me after the election for the details" bullshit) for our future continues to move this country forward. And isn't that what we want? To move forward.

The right for every person in this country to have access to affordable health care. Affordable being the key word. How is this a socialist agenda? He didn't propose FREE health care, which I personally feel every human should have a right to (see why people assume I'd throw my vote so much further left?), he just wants it to be affordable. Stopping the ridiculous inflation of insurance companies where you can basically buy better health care depending on your salary. So the rich are privy to good health, the rest of us can go fuck ourselves, right? Why is taking care of our citizens with universal, affordable health care a bad thing again? Because I don't get it. I think, as I said, we should be striving for FREE not just more affordable. How is everyone not behind "more affordable"?

He supports rights for every Americans, not just the few that the religious right want to acknowledge. How we can call ourselves a progressive nation when only 5-6 states legally allow gay marriage ... is baffling to me. We are denying a percentage of our people basic human rights that the rest of us have, and yet calling ourselves "cutting edge", "progressive", "leaders".  Bullshit! There is the separation of church and state in this country for a reason. Obama has worked to make that line clear, the other side not only wants it blurred; but will work to decimate it. The effects of rights being stripped, progress being shoved back, and religious supreme court justices being put in place will be devastating and far reaching. Along with his support for gay rights, he also expanded the definition of hate crime to include assault over sexual orientation and gender identity. How this was up for discussion is also baffling to me.

In line with that "rights for every American" ... he supports a bill to restore basic protections against pay discrimination. Basically, he supports a federal law to maintain fair wages for women. Umm, yea! Who in their right mind would be against this. Oh, right, the "other guy".  The guy who also wants to make it his business what women do with their bodies, in every circumstance.  Obama has been labeled "the abortion president", with tactless "shock factor" images of him with bloody babies and a caption that reads "he EVEN supports partial birth abortions" sweeping the internet. Because, ya know, a great huge number of woman decide they no longer want a baby as it's being born. "Nah, on second thought, I changed my mind ... just kill it before it's fully here". That is ignorant. If my life is at risk, you better goddamned believe I want the right to decide which path I'm going to take. It is, after all, my life ... it should logically be my decision to take the risk or not. Piss women off as a whole by not supporting their right to equal pay, and by demanding that the government gets a say in their body, and the wrath will follow. Lets go ahead and ignite a civil war.

He has made great strides in restoring our image around the world. This is huge. Why make enemies? Why give off the impression that we're bad ass mofo's who will fuckyouup if you look at us wrong? He's checked Americas ego, and has put us back on path to be seen as a leading progressive nation. Much better then the title of Global Bully that we donned before.

He understands that in order for this country to make money, it's going to have to spend money. He's not delusional and spouting off empty pipe dream promises of a super fast recovery. We were in a huge hole when he took over office. We were free falling to another great depression and beyond when he took over, and he put the brakes on. He managed to stop our free fall before we broke through to great depression numbers, and he's helped us claw our way back up. Obama oversaw the creation of more job in 2010 then this country saw in all 8 years under Bush's administration. Jobs in our country have steadily increased over the past four years. Not at the rate many of you hoped for, but it is happening. There is no magic answer or quick fix. In an instant gratification, disposable world, people don't want to hear that it's going to take time. But for cripessakes ... it's going to take time. Time and money. Both of which Obama has been upfront and honest about, and both of which he has executed. It's a process I trust in and support. The other way... well, that is what got us in this mess in the first place.

He is invested in green energy. The only LONG TERM solution to getting this country energy independent, and the only option to even have a country in the long term by reversing global warming.

He's made college more accessible for our kids by vastly extending pell grants, and removing banks from the financing of student loans. Sure it costs a bit more money up front, but the payback is unmatched. Investing in our people, especially our children, advances our country.

He's putting money into social programs because he knows that the heart of America relies on them. The right is pushing hard this image of Obama cutting medicaid and social security, cutting welfare and school programs, cutting this and cutting that. And then in their very next breath they push hard the image of Obama refusing to cut anything and spending us into oblivion. Ummm  ???  Which one is it? Oh, right, neither!

He realizes that defense spending doesn't need to be as high as it has been because we're not funding 2 wars anymore. Instead of continue to pour the same amount of money into defense, he's allocating the "no longer needed war money" back into this country. For infrastructure, social programs, and to take care of this nations Veterans. Our troops need support while they serve, yes ... but they also need it when their terms are over. Obama has made this a priority. I live it; I know.

I could go on, but it's sunny out and I'm going to go play outside.
And tomorrow I'm going to watch as this country hopefully makes the choice to continue pushing us forward.

GET OUT AND ACT!

Educate yourself on facts.
Claim your voice.
And cast your vote.

Sunday's Songbird ... Mosh

VOTE!
No Excuses!

Mosh ~Eminem
I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America
And to the Republic for which it stands
One nation under God
Indivisible with liberty and justice for all...
It feels so good to be back..

I scrutinize every word, memorize every line
I spit it once, refuel, re-energize and rewind
I give sight to the blind, my insight through the mind
I exercise my right to express when I feel it's time
It's just all in your mind, what you interpret it as
I say to fight, you take it as I'mma whip someone's ass
If you don't understand, don't even bother to ask
A father who has grown up with a fatherless past
Who has blown up now to rap phenomenon that has
Or at least shows no difficulty multi-task
And in juggling both perhaps mastered his craft
Slash entrepreneur who has helped launch a few more rap acts
Who's had a few obstacles thrown his way through the last half
Of his career typical manure moving past that
Mr. kisses ass crack, he's a class act
Rubber band man, yea he just snaps back

[Chorus:]
Come along follow me as I lead through the darkness
As I provide just enough spark that we need to proceed
Carry on, give me hope, give me strength
Come with me and I won't steer you wrong
Put your faith and your trust as I guide us through the fog
To the light at the end of the tunnel
We gonna fight, we gonna charge, we gonna stomp, we gonna march
Through the swamp, we gonna mosh through the marsh
Take us right through the doors (c'mon)

All the people up top on the side and the middle
Come together lets all bomb and swamp just a little
Just let it gradually build from the front to the back
All you can see is a sea of people some white and some black
Don't matter what color, all that matters we gathered together
To celebrate for the same cause don't matter the weather
If it rains let it rain, yea the wetter the better
They ain't gonna stop us they can't, we stronger now more than ever
They tell us no we say yea, they tell us stop we say go
Rebel with a rebel yell, raise hell we gonna let em know
Stomp, push, shove, mush, Fuck Bush, until they bring our troops home (c'mon)

[Chorus]

Imagine it pouring, it's raining down on us
Mosh pits outside the oval office
Someone's tryina tell us something,
Maybe this is God just sayin' we're responsible
For this monster, this coward,
That we have empowered
This is Bin Laden, look at his head noddin'
How could we allow something like this without pumping our fists
Now this is our final hour
Let me be the voice in your strength and your choice
Let me simplify the rhyme just to amplify the noise
Try to amplify the times it, and multiply by six...
Teen million people, Are equal at this high pitch
Maybe we can reach alqueda through my speech
Let the president answer a higher anarchy
Strap him with an Ak-47, let him go, fight his own war
Let him impress daddy that way
No more blood for oil, we got our own battles to fight on our own soil
No more psychological warfare, to trick us to thinking that we ain't loyal
If we don't serve our own country, we're patronizing a hero
Look in his eyes its all lies
The stars and stripes, they've been swiped, washed out and wiped
And replaced with his own face, Mosh now or die
If I get sniped tonight you know why,
Cause I told you to fight.

[Chorus]

And as we proceed,
To Mosh through this desert storm,
In these closing statements, if they should argue
Let us beg to differ
As we set aside our differences
And assemble our own army
To disarm this Weapon of Mass Destruction
That we call our President, for the present
And Mosh for the future of our next generation
To speak and be heard
Mr. President, Mr. Senator
Do you guy's hear us...hear us...[laughing] (Hailie)

One Week ... YELL FIRE

Politics.

I love politics.

Election season is my favorite time of the year!

Yes, I'm being serious!

Voted ... BOOSH!

I love everything about it. The electricity. The passion. The discussions and debates. Standing on the brink of change and claiming a voice. Revolution. Ahhh, I really do love this time of year.

sending my voice through the USPS this year

I've been relatively quiet as far as this election season goes; I don't think I've blogged a single thing about it yet. I don't like being judgmental and divisive, and I haven't yet figured out how to not be both during this particular election. I think Romney is an entitled smug elitist prick, and I haven't yet figured out a way to tone that down. With only a week left I think it's safe to say that "toning it down" will not be something I am going to attain, so blog as is I shall.

Romney is an entitled smug elitist prick!
How is this race so goddamned close?

I've read so many blogs, news articles, oped pieces, etc on this "romney love" that is sweeping a great many of you ... and I can't help but scratch my head. He is so out of touch with the average American. And quite frankly, "so out of touch" is the understatement of the century when it comes to this guy. Sheltered doesn't even begin to describe him.

Romney will not be leading us into the future, he'll be giving us a giant shove back into our past.
As though history has taught us nothing. As though the lack of learning from our history's history has taught us nothing.

This election has become too big.
The Supreme Court is at stake
Civil Rights are at stake.

Even people who are not religiously or personally against specific rights (which is a whole 'nother post for a whole 'nother time), are still choosing to not fight in favor of them.

Many of you shrug your shoulders on gay rights, because "well, I'm not gay, so who cares".
Many of you shrug your shoulders on women's right, because "well, I'm not a woman, so who cares".

"Romney wont increase taxes and wont touch my money, so since this/these specific civil right(s) don't affect me ... I'm voting for money".

That is an asshole move!

You are a human, right? Fight for HUMAN rights. If we don't constantly push to move forward on human rights; if we allow slack in the line because "this specific right doesn't affect me, so I don't give a shit"; if we allow this country to take a step (or seventeen) back ... when will it end?

You want to believe that our country has gone downhill because "God" is getting further and further "pushed out"? Voting for money over people couldn't possibly have anything to do with our moral decline, right?

And for a guy who is so out of touch.
SO.OUT.OF.TOUCH.

• 47% of this country are moochers and he doesn't care about their vote
• corporations are people and should have rights
• middle income is 200,000 to 250,000
• "the gays" are having children ??
• in all his years as a 'business man" he never met a single qualified woman; had to resort to having binders of them sent to him from speciality groups.
• thinks he can relate to struggling out of work Americans by saying "i'm actually unemployed at the moment, too".
• endorses crazy ass fucks (of the men variety) who actually say, out loud, things like "pregnancy born out of rape is gods will".

Do I need to continue?

Again ... "out of touch" is the understatement of the century!
And again I ask ... how is this election so fucking close?

Yell Fire ~Michael Franti
A revolution never come with a warnin'
A revolution never sends you an omen
A revolution just arrived like the mornin'
Ring the alarm, we come to wake up the snorin'

They tellin' you to never worry about the future
They tellin' you to never worry about the torture
They tellin you that you'll never see the horror
Spend it all today and we will bill you tomorrow

Three piece suits and bank accounts in Bahamas
Wall Street crime will never send you to the slammer
Tell all the children in the arms of their mommas
The F-15 is a homicide bomber

TV commercials for a popping pill culture
Drug companies circling like a vulture
An Iraqi babies with a G.I. Joe father
Ten years from now is anybody gonna bother?

Yell fire, yo, yo, yo, yo
Yell fire, yo, yo, yo, yo
Yell fire, yo, yo, yo, yo
Yell fire, yo, yo, yo, yo

A revolution never come with a warnin'
A revolution never sends you an omen
A revolution never come with a warnin'
A revolution

Everyone addicted to the same nicotine
Everyone addicted to the same gasoline
Everyone addicted to a Technicolor scream
Everybody trying to get their hands on same green

From the banks of the river to the banks of the greedy
All of the riches taken back by needy
[From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/m/michael-franti-lyrics/yell-fire-lyrics.html ]
We come from the country and we come from the city
You play us on the record, you can play us on the CD

All the shit you given us is fertilizer
The seeds that you planted you can never brutalize them
Tell the corporation you can never globalize it
Like Peter Tosh said, 'Legalize It'

Girls and boys hear the bass and treble
Rumble in the speakers and it make you wanna rebel
Throw your hands up, take it to another level
And you can never, ever, ever make a deal with the devil

Yell fire, yo, yo, yo, yo
Yell fire, yo, yo, yo, yo
Yell fire, yo, yo, yo, yo
Yell fire, yo, yo, yo, yo

Throw your hands up
Throw your hands up
Just throw your hands up
Throw your hands up

A revolution never come with a warnin'
A revolution never sends you an omen
A revolution never come with a warnin'

Yell fire, yo, yo, yo, yo
Yell fire, yo, yo, yo, yo
Yell fire, yo, yo, yo, yo
Yell fire, yo, yo, yo, yo

A revolution never come with a warnin'
A revolution never sends you an omen
A revolution just arrives like the mornin'
Ring the alarm, we come to wake up the snorin'

Yell fire, yo, yo, yo
Here we come, here we come
A revoution'll come
Put 'em up, put 'em up

Sunday's Songbird ... Confessions

So, if babies can bring me out of a blogging hiatus;
boobs can definitely keep me around!

Sunday's Songbird is back!
and in honor of Breast Cancer Awareness Month,
we'll (re)kickstart things off with this fine little diddy ...


Confessions  ~Tim Minchin
This first movement is called:
Feminism

I believe that women have the right
To walk the streets at night
And not be afraid for their lives
I believe that a woman has the right
To choose what happens to her body
Without suffering the judgement
Of the conservative right

And I believe that women have the right
to wear the clothes they like
Without being treated like dirt
And I believe we men are pathetic
how we seem to judge aesthetic
As the measure of a woman's worth
I'm ashamed on behalf of my sex
For making women feel like objects

Fuck I love boobs though
I just really love them
Fuck I love boobs though
I just wanna rub them
They're just so jooby 
They make me feel groovy
I would rather watch boobs than a movie
Be doop be doo. 
I just really like boobs.

And this second movement is called:
Poverty (altruism)

I believe people are entitled to basic human rights
Whether they are rich or they're poor
I believe a world where no children are starving
Is a world worth fighting for
And I try to remind myself
Even when I'm struggling
How incredibly lucky I am
And I don't think it's ok
That the luxuries I crave
Should come at the expense of my fellow man
I'm sure I could give a little more
To alleviate the suffering of the poor.

Fuck I love boobs though
I just really love them
I don't really mind if I am behind
Below or above them
They're just so jubbly
They make me feel lovely
I'd rather own boobs than a pub, be
Doop be doop doop doo doo doo
I really love boobs

The third movement:
Enviromentalism

I believe the that planet we live in
Is a living organism
And we must treat her carefully
I don't think we can assume
We can just go on consuming
Her resources indefinitely
The world's not a bottomless pit
And we can all do our little bit

Fuck I love boobs though
I just really care for 'em
They're equally fun
When they're aged 21
Or octogenarian
They're just so flappy
They make me feel happy
I'd rather eat boobs than a bap, be
Doop be doo
I just really love boobs

Evolutionary theory says bosoms are buttock-like protrusions
Designed to tempt men in situations
When they can't get a glimpse of your bum
I find such hypotheses dumb
It's like the one that says
Lipstick is for making your lips look more
Like the lips of a happy vagina
Since they said that
I can't look my great aunt
In the eye
Why'd they have to say that, oh why?

From that first little suck of colostrum
To the grope of the the nurse in the old people's hostel
We're just fucking monkeys in shoes
And I
Will always love boobs
I will always love boobs

Grateful for Loss

Today is Pregnancy and Early Infant Loss Remembrance Day. 

I lit a candle for the three precious babes I never had the pleasure of meeting. 

I lit a candle honoring these sweet souls, but I wasn't sad that they weren't here. 

We started trying for our second child when our first was a year old. We had three early miscarriages before I was able, again, to carry a baby to term. At the time it was devastating, and frustrating, and I wished it away. I questioned it, and cursed it, and sunk into an abyss of dark confusion.

It makes perfect sense to me now, though. 

Rylan was meant to be in our lives; he just wasn't ready yet. 

And in the meantime ... 

My body was letting me know I was still capable of carrying a baby. 

We went to different doctors requesting testing and options, but we were denied because we already had a child, which proved we both "worked"... coupled with the fact that I was still "able" to get pregnant (my body was just terminating any said pregnancy pretty quickly). They didn't seem concerned about that last part. We were told we would have to be trying for a minimum of 2 years before they'd entertain the idea of taking us on as patients. Gotta love the ego of medical professionals, right? It was frustrating. I couldn't understand how and why I kept losing our babies. I couldn't understand why the doctors wouldn't do anything/offer anything. I cried; every day. Praying for something. Anything.

But Rylan wasn't ready yet.

Had any of our other pregnancies been carried to term; Rylan wouldn't be in our lives.

And the Doctors. The frustrating doctors who seemed callous, as I sat crying on their tables while they said "Sorry Ma'am, but there is nothing we're going to do for you at this time; come back in a year". I hated them! But they did keep us from pursuing other avenues of getting pregnant/bringing a second child into our home during those two years. And as it turned out ... Rylan was conceived ON the 2 year mark; he knew what he was doing! 

So I lit a candle for the three amazing little souls who came into my life in the exact ways they were meant to; carrying out the exact purpose they were meant to. 

They forced me to stand in patience while Rylan got ready. 

I lit a candle for them today, and I smiled. 

And then I squeezed tight the 3 sweet souls that found their way here, and have blessed my life in ways I could never have imagined. 

My life is whole, 

and perfect. 

Sunday's Songbird ... Love Me For Me

So it's been a couple of weeks now since he's been back.
A couple of weeks since we decided we'd give this thing another try.
In that couple of weeks I have learned I have just one thing to say ...
... this transition period can suck it!

Seriously.
Suck.It!

We'll get through it; I'm sure.
Ask me yesterday, though, and I'd have told you something different.

Perspective.
Which is pretty jaded while riding pms.
It's been super fun. Ha!
And every time I turn around he IS in my face.
Though, probably, not really.
Perspective again.
Sometimes I think perspective can suck it, too.


Love Me For Me  ~Ashlee Simpson
It's been

3 days
You come around here like you know me
Your stuff 

At my place
Next thing you know you'll be usin' my toothpaste
Step off

Sit down

Get ready let me tell you who's the boss now
Stay here

Get out 

Every time I turn around you're in my face
Don't care where you think you've been and how you're getting over
If you think you've got me now just wait it gets much colder

Here I am

perfect as I'm ever gonna be
You'll see...

Love me for me
Stick around

I'm not the kind of girl you wanna leave
You'll see...

Love me for me

Shut up 

Come back
No I didn't really mean to say that
I'm mixed up

So what
Yeah you want me so you're messed up too
I love you 

I hate you

If you only knew what I've been through
My head is spinnin 

But my heart is in the right place
Sometimes it has to have itself a little earthquake

Here I am

perfect as I'm ever gonna be
You'll see...

Love me for me
Stick around

I'm not the kind of girl you wanna leave
You'll see...

Love me for me

I've been waiting all my life to finally find you
Just so I can push you away
And when you're crawling over broken glass to get to me
That's when I'll let you stay
Oh!

Here I am

perfect as I'm ever gonna be
You'll see...

Love me for me
Stick around

I'm not the kind of girl you wanna leave
You'll see...

Love me for me

Love me for me

Here I am

perfect as I'm ever gonna be
You'll see...

Love me for me
Stick around

I'm not the kind of girl you wanna leave
You'll see...

Love me for me

Wide Sky Days RECAP!

I'm back!
Cali was amazing!
Sun,
and Fun,
and Old Friends,
and The Beach,
and New Friends,
and a Fire Pit!!!

This conference had such a different feel then Life is Good.
Not better. Not worse. Just different.
I love them both!

I think I sat in for 3 minutes of one presentation, I went to a mom's meeting, I helped at the registration table the first day, and I attended all events that centered around food... but other then that I didn't do much "conferencing" at this conference. I did more "sit on my ass at the fire pit" type stuff, lol. And it was good. So, so, so good.

The kids made some great friends and hung out into the wee hours of the morning each day. Minecrafting. Sharing Secrets. Running. Swimming. Truth or Dare. Checking out girls.

We swam in the ocean. And hooped. And went out with adults sans kids. And talked. And hugged. And danced. And laughed; loud. And jumped off a freakin cliff!

Lots of emails to respond to, and letters to write, and hoops to spin, and preparations to make (we're rolling out very soon), and body cleanses to ensue (not the healthiest of vacations, like... at all). But for now ... a music video of our time in Cali! We miss it already. We miss the amazing connections we made with some wonderful people even more!  'Till next year <3



Everybody Ona Move  ~Michael Franti
And you don't stop
And you don't quit
And you don't stop
And you don't quit

Everybody ona move
Everybody let's move
Everybody ona move
Everybody let's move

The movement
Is like a phenomenon
You never know where it's comin' from
You never know when the next big sound gonna come

Baghdad, Hong Kong
Tokyo, King Kong
Synagogue, singsong
Hot beat, car bomb

Don't matter who's on the chart number one
Spearhead sound for the people everyone
Thunder comes from the bass and the drums
Rain or shine never stop anyone

I like my bass loudy, loudy, louder!
I like my bass loudy, loudy, louder!

Everybody ona move
Everybody let's move
Everybody ona move
Everybody let's move

Oh, yes
And you don't stop
And you don't quit
Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes

Touchin' down on mother earth
I take mud and turn it into pottery
Lottery, I give all a chance
As I welcome all to the dance

Angel, criminal, animal
Mineral and spiritual

All sinners, all head-spinners
So-called experts, we're all beginners
Enter the age of Aquarians
Carnivores and vegetarians

It's the next sound wave
Soon I may, ah, ask you to behave
El Presidente, you behave
Once war stops sendin' us to the grave

Vamanos, Vamanos
All walls will fall like dominoes
Earthquakin' and shakin'
Please don't stop, rock

Everybody ona move
Everybody let's move
Everybody ona move
Everybody let's move

Oh, yes
And you don't stop
And you don't quit
And you don't stop

Yes, all walls will fall
All walls will fall
I never quit, I never give up
I'd hate to have me as my own enemy

Because music is not competition
Music is not repetition
Music is love, love for the masses
Love for all classes

Love conquers all
Love accepts all, love respects all
Love dares to dream
A love supreme, a love supreme

Soldier of fortune, open your cookie
Unfold the paper, stop looky looky
Takin' order, the march to the kitchen
Food for the masses, that's the new mission

Salam shalom, shalom salam
The one sound louder than a bomb
The whole world sings this song
Check it, stop, rock

Everybody ona move
Everybody let's move
Everybody ona move
Everybody let's move

Oh, yes
And you don't stop
And you don't quit
And you don't stop
Hold up, hold up, I forgot something

I like my bass loudy, loudy, louder!
I like my bass loudy, loudy, louder!

This track is love fortified
This track is love amplified
This track combats genocide
Seven inch Jamaican forty five

Take a trip Gaza strip
ID's, a bob up, flip
I rock black scorpions
And a shout out to Ethiopians

Shot rings out everybody gonna run
One woman cries out for the loss of her son
Hold it high everybody everyone
All roads lead to love or the one

Don't you forget why you came to the dance
Might never ever be another better chance
Don't you forget why you came to the dance
The drums and bass are the king of the dance
Take a ...

Everybody ona move
Everybody let's move
Everybody ona move
Everybody let's move

Oh, yes
And you don't stop
And you don't quit
Come on, come on

Everybody ona move
Everybody let's move
Everybody ona move
Everybody let's move

Big people ona the move
Little people ona move
Young people ona the move
Old people ona move, come on

Everybody ona move
Everybody let's move
Everybody ona move
Everybody let's move
Yes, yes, yes

Touchin' down on mother earth
I take mud and turn it into pottery
Lottery, I give all a chance
As I welcome all to the dance

Ona move
Everybody let's move

And you don't stop
And you don't quit
Keep rockin', keep rockin' it
Keep shockin' it, come on

Sunday's Songbird ... Love Me Anyway

Sunday's Sonbird post this week shall be renamed Super Late Monday Melodies and/or Super Super Early Tuesday's Tunes ... due to the whirlwind of crazy going on around here.

He didn't leave.
Nick.
He came in for Rylan's birthday...
and he didn't leave.

A couple of hours after he arrived he told me he wanted this family whole and fighting to make it.
I told him I was already feeling whole, I was happy and moving on, but I told him I'd think about it; we celebrated Rylan's birthday (indoor waterpark hotel fun, ftw!); and a couple of days later I told him I wanted the same. A few hours before his flight the next day he said he wasn't going back.


We're down here in California for Wide Sky Days right now.
Some poolside football and freeze tag has already ensued.
With dancing.
A whole lotta dancing.
Which, lets be honest, has been mostly me shaking my ass while my kids clap and shout "get some, mom ... Get.Some"
And the unschooling party hasn't even started yet.
Cannot.Freakin.Wait
More on this awesomeness later!


I'm damn sure many are thinking I'm an idiot. And I love you people for that. Truly... love the fuckity fuck out of you. We have 15 years into this thing; and the chemistry between us is crazy stupid intense ... there's no denying it. I'm in a much better mental place. I know who I am. I know what I want. He's gone through his own personal growth during this separation. Time will tell if our love, chemistry, and desire to hold on will stand the test. So, I may be an idiot, but I'll be the idiot who went down fighting. I'm cool with that ;-)

And in the meantime ... I wont settle, and I sure as fuck wont be jumping into any one's boxed up version of who they need and/or want me to be. I've flown that coop; and there's no way in hell I'll be wrangled back in. Love me for me ... all of me!
And now; I'm going to bed!



Love Me Anyway  ~Amy Steinberg
i wanna tell you the truth
about how I feel
i wanna give you my love
but I've got to be real

the truth is i'm scared
to let you in
cause I don't wanna go
where i've been

i know this could be different if I just let go
but before we take flight it's only right i let you know
i get down right depressed sometimes
and yes I am a goddess,
but I can be unkind
throw up my hands and just quit trying
i'm a human with emotions
i sure can cry
but love me anyway
come on and love me anyway
love me anyway
come on and love me, love me

honesty is hard
we all hide sometimes
i'm gonna take off my mask
and show you who i am inside


i know this could be different if i just let go
but before we take flight it's only right i let you know
i get down right depressed sometimes
and yes I am a goddess 
but I can be unkind
throw up my hands and just quit trying
i'm a human with emotions
i sure can cry
i get frustrated
and of course i can be wrong
my best can fall short
and my worst can last too long

come on baby
love me anyway
come on and love me anyway
love me anyway
come on and love me, love me

lover i see you
when you're sitting on your phone
lover i see you
when you think you're alone

you get down right depressed sometimes
and yes you are my baby
but you can be unkind
throw up your hands and just quit trying
you're a human with emotions
i've seen you cry
you get frustrated
and of course you can be wrong
your best can fall short
and your worst can last too long

and i am gonna love you anyway
i'm gonna love you anyway
i'm gonna love you anyway
so love me, love me
yea
love me anyway
come on and love me, love me

i'm gonna tell you the truth
about how i feel
i'm gonna give you my love
but i got to be real

truth is I'm scared, so scared
to let you in
cause i don't wanna go
where i've been.

my bed

My bed is the one place I used to feel safe. And warm. And comforted.
And now it's the place I most dread.

I'm sitting here. In my bed. Shaking. And crying. I was having an awful dream. I could feel my entire body fighting; kicking, punching, lashing out. I could feel myself choking out sob after sob. My eyes pouring tears. One giant loud scream and I was awake. Sitting straight up in my bed. My face hot and wet. My blankets a mess. And everything I stack on one side of the bed, to weigh down the blankets on that side and create the illusion that I'm not alone, obviously kicked and pushed all over the floor.

Pathetic, right? Stacking shit on your bed for "company".  But it works for me. I like to feel the weighted tug from the other side. And now it's all over the floor. So fucking fitting.

My sweet babes used to love to sleep with me, but it seems they have mostly out grown that. And as much as I want to cry and beg and bribe them back ... I won't. I'll let them fly. Although there has been a time or two where I've just happened to pop in a well loved movie up here, and if we happen to fall asleep while watching, well....

I will, however, guilt my cats and dog to stay with me, and I have no shame about that. None, whatsofuckingever! Even if it means chasing them around the house to bring them back!

I stated in a previous post that I was feeling better. Doing better. But there was something on the horizon that had the potential to knock me back to square one. I also mentioned in an even more recent post about the impending visit from Nick for Rylan's birthday this week.

Yea ... those two things go together.

Oooh, and the cake topper! PMS! As if I needed an extra surge of hormone right now. Wasn't enough hot mess crazy going on already. Clearly I'm giving some twisted universe fuck a good laugh.

I want to burn this bed.

Sunday's Songbird ... Check the Level

A blogger friend put out a challenge months ago for each of us to pick a theme song for the year.
This is the song I chose.

I didn't have a peaches and cream childhood.
My marriage wasn't full of roses and rainbows.

For much of my life I let others tell me I wasn't good enough; I let them define me. Intentional or not on their part, I let the words, thoughts, and actions of others label who I am. My entire being was neatly folded into tiny, stifling little boxes that were assigned to me.

The things I went through and saw in my childhood shaped me, obviously. Growing up I always felt, on the inside, that I was this vibrant, happy, extroverted girl ... but in reality I was quiet, and reserved, and full of so much self doubt. Locked up in the boxes I was shoved into. When I became a teenager, the struggle inside of me to break out of those boxes grew into self destruction that carried through into adulthood.

Just when I felt I was finding my footing... my world was turned upside down. The circumstances surrounding Nick leaving for Iraq 9 1/2 years ago rocked me to my core. It was an experience that, when I write and/or talk about, it doesn't seem that catastrophic. But it hallowed me out. Nick was the one floating vessel I found that I could hold onto in a world that I felt was trying to drown me. It was his love and patient understanding that gently guided me through my self destruction early in our relationship. And the way in which he left was a huge sucker punch that I never, in a million years, would have guessed was coming. Suppose that's why they call them "sucker punches", eh?! It chewed me up and spit me out. And while I was there, on the ground, all broken and writhing, I had a breakthrough. I was strong. I was capable. I was more then enough, on every level imaginable. I had proven that to myself countless times throughout my life, but I never noticed it. Not until that moment did I feel it inside of me. The shit I went through as a kid sucked, yes, but it gave me this undeniable strength. An incredible amount of compassion. And a steadfast determination that I was just in that moment recognizing. I finally released all of the pain and anger I was still carrying with me from my childhood, and I found forgiveness. I found gratefulness, even. While Nick was gone I started to find myself; redefine myself... on my terms.

Little did I know that the way in which Nick left for Iraq was just the tip of the iceberg for sucker punches I would absorb.

He came home. With all of his ptsd and brain trauma causing severe personality changes. His issues took over our lives, and every last ounce of energy I had went to helping him. I thought I had made enough internal progress with myself that I could handle taking a step back, and not let it affect me. I, once again, took a backseat. Fell into the selfless caregiver roll that I was so familiar with from my childhood. And as he self destructed, and lashed out, my new found confidence and strength was being chipped away at. Daily. I found myself hopping back into the boxes he needed me to be in for his "recovery". I kept telling myself that I was strong, and fully capable of dealing with this. This situation was temporary. A temporary sacrifice for a man who gave so much to me. He was my husband. For better or worse. And I was strong enough to carry us through this stretch of worse. I believed that with every ounce of my being. But then days became weeks, weeks became months, months became years. And the lines between who I knew I was, and who I was letting myself be for Nick became blurred.

I made small steps for myself, but they were cautious steps. Very meek; mild. Everything I did, or didn't do, was carefully thought-out and weighed against any potential effect it would have on the healing process of Nick. My mind was constantly "on". It was exhausting. I was exhausted. It just didn't seem worth it. I pulled away from all of my friends. I dropped all dreams I had for myself. I stopped trying. I gave up on me.

It was the very last day of last year that something shifted inside of me. I had felt myself slipping further and further away for months. Closer and closer to that depressive, suicidal, self destructive girl I used to be. I wasn't going to let that happen. I was finally honest with myself about the fact that there was nothing I could do to help Nick, but there was a whole helluva lot I could do to help myself. I shaved my head. Chose the word "trust" as my power word for the year. And I worked my ass off to overcome fear, and rediscover myself. I stumbled some, and fell back into the same self sacrificing roll I've been known for my whole life several times. It was a messy process, but I didn't give up. It was a hard choice to make... picking me. I knew doing so would likely end my marriage. But I held onto hope, knew I was worth it no matter what, and I chose me. I do wish that he would have stuck around to see that by choosing me; I was also choosing us. I couldn't help him, or give fully to our marriage if I wasn't whole first. But we didn't make it through the messy transition. Even knowing that... I wouldn't change the choice I made. I still choose me.

This separation leading to divorce has tested me. Of course. Through it all, though, I never felt I was losing touch with myself. On the contrary, I have felt a deeper understanding of who I am during these past few months. I've broken through a few hidden boxes I didn't even know were there. Going through something so gut wrenchingly painful can bring such an amazing sense of self awareness if you're listening. Open. Full of trust.

I've listened to this song almost daily since that challenge to find a theme song.
And I hoop my ass off to it constantly.
It sings to me.
Reminds me ...
Don't give up.
Don't let others define you.
Rock your shit your way!

I figured out how to take the negativity and turn it all around.

Check the Level  ~The Dirty Heads
Her name was Lily his was Todd
She was tall and he was odd,
And all the other girls said she was too fat for the squad
She just wanted friends yo
And he just wanted broads
I'd do anything for pussy, change my ways, I swear to god
He needs to straighten up
He isn't smart enough
I wouldn't be his date
He doesn't dress like us
Remember all the times that he got beat up on the bus
But what he learned from that was to be careful who you trust
He knew that they were wrong, so he took it with a yawn
He knew his time would come, yo, and he'd be moving on
So he locked himself inside a room, and started writing songs
You could catch him in the back of class singing all along like

Check the level cause somethings coming over me

Check the level cause somethings coming over me

Check the level cause somethings coming over me
Somethings got a hold of me always controlling me

It's in the audio

It's in the air

It's in the way you move
It's everywhere

It's something beautiful

That you don't know
So feel the audio

And let it go

Yo, well back to miss lily when she used to let the days pass
Sitting home alone sucking food up off her place mat
They used to call her fat, so she started losing weight fast
Got sick in debate class, to throw up what she ate last
She didn't know that the things they said that left her hurting
Would actually turn out to make her a better person
She locked herself inside her room got to the rehearsing
Walking down a runway in a dress she made from curtains
So she was slimming up
She was tall enough
She became a model, she was paid, and she was loved
See what they thought they knew about these two was givin up
Cause no matter what they said these two just didn't give a fuck

They had it all along they just figured it out
How to take the negativity and turn it all around
Now lily's turning heads up on the runway in Milan
And Todd is selling millions while his fans sing along like

Check the level cause somethings coming over me

Check the level cause somethings coming over me

Check the level cause somethings coming over me
Somethings got a hold of me always controlling me

It's in the audio

It's in the air

It's in the way you move
It's everywhere

It's something beautiful

That you don't know
So feel the audio

And let it go

It's the six string slayer, the rhyme cultivator
Picking home grown rhyme straight out the incubator
Cross fade to the right while I slide to the left
There's something coming over me controlling every breath
Gasping for air my fears burn through
If there's something in the audio then what they said was true
Full speed ahead code red phase two
The sound waves control the minds of me and you

It's in the audio

It's in the air

It's in the way you move
It's every

It's in the audio 

It's in the air

It's in the way you move
It's everywhere 

It's something beautiful

That you don't know
So feel the audio

And let it...

GO